winter in nm

at a certain point we just stopped worrying about how dirty the floor is by the front door. with muddy shoes one day, and then snowy the next. we've decided to deal with it later.

fiery sunsets show up when the skies are clear. and they are just as amazing from outside as inside.

the other night we took a walk just as the skies got dark. with the snow, the light was just dark blue all around. as we walked we heard just the sounds of our boots in the snow, and the river rushing through.

getting over a foot in two days at our house, means the ski valley must have twice that. these are the good days for skiers. and in my blah-ness about more snow falling, I realized that one can't survive winters here without finding ways to have fun in the snow. with a rental of skis & boots, thoughtfully done by D., I was ready for some cross country. and it worked out lovely that we could just do it around home. it was fun. the feeling of gliding through the snow. I get it, I get why people love it. 

my body feels different in mostly good & improved ways. I still have issues with my stomach muscles, which are not as instantly better as I wanted. I feel stronger, but in everything I do I'm worried I'll hurt what has healed. next winter, I'll be amazingly stronger & ready for some actual skiing.

I just took a little walk up to our trail. the snow is deep, over my boots, and slushy at the bottom, making the walk slick and cushiony. everything outside is peacefully layered in healthy moisture. I walked by a cedar and my nose was overwhelmed at the smell. the snow has made the cedars strong.

i'm needing something more than what I have in my days. my job isn't as fulfilling as I need. or my time at home isn't very productive with creative projects. i'm looking for something, and I'm sure warmer days & nights, and the energy of Spring will help me with this. 


lovely snow

the locals (& skiers) around here don't think we've had a good snow year. I'm pretty okay with it. I'm ready for it all to move on to Spring (not that it doesn't snow in Spring). I guess I'm a little over winter.

I have enjoyed the chance to get out my super snow boots. Black & clunky, but warm and solid. They make me feel strong in the snow. 

it stays relatively warm here, for winter temps. which makes winter seem not so long. but I'm ready for more light in the day. 

we planned on this being the winter I got on something other than snowshoes. but so far skis haven't been much of an option. I'm realizing that unless you live here to ski, it is easy for all the other things in life to get in the way. but, it could still happen. if on our next free weekend we have fresh snow.

walks through our snowy pastures have been lovely. I'm not over the loveliness of it all. 

unfortunately the roads quickly turn to mud out here. on my walk today I got stopped at the bend by the river. the snow is easier to walk in than the mud. but I knew the mud would take over. I detoured to walk along the river, noticing what tracks were in the snow. mostly it looked like the rabbits had a busy morning. and the magpies are so light the tracks they leave are like little skis on the snow.


christmas and this last weekend

We went to Kansas over Christmas. We sat at the dinner table with Harris relatives, we had drinks with my Dad & MEK while opening presents, we spent an evening with our many friends in Newton, and then had dinner with them too. We ate cinnamon rolls & then took our Christmas walk around the farm, thankfully without the cold wind we had last year. We attended the Eve service at Alexanderwohl again, and again I got choked up as we sang the hymns. Christmas night was a gathering of our parents, which we are so lucky to be able to bring together. And then we finished the week with D's family. Actually, I spent an entire day in bed with what was a cold for D., but a big attack on my not-up-to-par immune system. Then we drove home. We felt lucky to have had the time to spend in Kansas, and to be able to spend it all together. We also wondered what it would be like to spend Christmas in Taos some time. Oh, the holidays. 

Christmas sort of capped off my post surgery recovery time.  This past weekend we drove up to Wild Rivers again, thinking we'd walk the La Junta trail. I felt very ready to just do it, and just make myself strong again. But the wind on the La Junta was brutal, so we jumped over to Little Arsenic for awhile, and then to the Chiflo. We didn't make it all the way down either of them, because it turned out I wasn't quite ready. But in comparison to our little trip out here six weeks ago, in which we just walked the sidewalks around the overlook of the trail, it was a win. Walking then was still unsteady, and it hurt like god damn hell. Walking this time, just made me feel extremely tired. But it was awesome.

My new appreciation is for the strength and ability I've always had, and never fully realized. Standing tall, walking without fear of falling, moving on. 

Two women I love, who also have the scar I have, though because they were having children not hysterectomies, recommended I gently massage the scar...to help bring the feeling back. I do, lightly, and usually thing about other things. But I will fall into the knowledge, that rather stark fact, which seems to sit outside of me in a darkness, that the scar is where I was opened up. The scar is what's left of something once there. My body has been altered. And it was all entirely a "normal" and routine medical procedure. And when I was preparing myself for the medically routine, normal procedure, I had no idea I needed to prepare so much for the aftermath, full of things that didn't feel routine or normal at all. 

Hopefully it won't be long before we make it out to Wild Rivers again. 


snow fell

we had snow, and then sunshine.
I've been taking walks. And trying to stay strong of mind and body. 
soon we will drive home for Christmas. and then I will be going back to work.
I'm still healing, and it has been the hardest part of it all. 



Dark nights come soon as the mountains hide the fading sunset light. Out here in our rural community, the only light comes from neighboring porches and the visible moon. At 5pm last night, already pitch night, we started down our driveway, and quickly noticed deer in our way. A few were in the drive, a few by the fence, and as we slowly drove down, in awe we noticed even more. Filling our pasture, were the silhouettes of the herd. Their long ears perked up, the antlers still, and their white tails shining in what little light was out. They all stopped to watch us, and we stopped to see them. Then we continued along our road to see even more. It was one of those magical moments, when you are reminded that we live among wild herds, and that the countryside we love living in, is home to creatures that wait until dark falls to come out. It felt like we were witnessing a secret of the night.

Our purpose for going into town was to visit the annual Lighting Ledoux celebration. Ledoux Street is home to galleries and museums, and on this night the glowing farolitos are set out and lit for the first time. Galleries stay open late, offering cider and cookies, and many light bonfires in their yards, so that people can stop, sit and chat by a fire. The smell of pinon burning, the flicker of the lights and the coldness of the fresh air. 

This is a  Taos tradition which I hadn't gotten to experience yet. Even though I'm still uncomfortable and need to sit, often, it was something I didn't want to miss this year. We had fun, stopping many times to chat with friends also walking the street.

Snow has been falling on the high peaks, but for us in the foothills, we've mostly had rain rather than snow. The rain brings out the brightness in the browns & golds. 

Recovery has gone well, though I've been frustrated many times. Overall though, I've improved and continue to do so. It feels like an accomplishment that I can mostly bend over and that I can walk around without feeling so fragile and unstable. 

I've noticed that my emotions on the tipping edge. Feeling like crying comes easily. This experience has changed the way I view what life is, and what life can be. And it has further cemented the closeness and love I have in my partner. I look at the foothills and mountains, and I have a desire to climb them. And my goal in the next year is to regain my strength, and more so. I want my body to feel strong with each step, not just for climbing mountains but for encountering life, living and the challenges in them. 



a week ago now I was coming out of surgery. my hysterectomy, which had been scheduled for months, and known to be inevitable for years, finally had to happen.

my post-op recovery took awhile longer than expected, worrying D. who was waiting. but when I woke, in the dark blur with a nurse named Jason talking to me, all I felt was pain deep inside. the spinal I'd received was surely working, but just not that well. so it took awhile to get enough morphine in me to move me into a room.

eventually in a private room, which other than having to listen to a woman in labor/giving birth in the room next to me, was quiet. ironic that women who are losing their ability to birth recover in the same ward in which women are giving birth.

i've been home now for almost six days. with at least six pillows propping me up in various ways. with a cat allowed to sleep on the bed next to me. and with a constant supply of hot tea and loving attention.

today when I first woke up I was thinking about how I can't go back and undo it. it is done. and overall, I'm very glad. this morning I was just tired of feeling the pain.

for me, getting through surgery heavily relied on one thing. my loving partner, who didn't want to leave my side. he was there to listen to the nurses, ask questions, sleep two nights on an uncomfortable roll-out chair, fill my ice cup and each time i needed, he helped me get out of bed, walk me to the bathroom, helped me sit on the toilet and then he pulled me back up.

it does feel like something is gone from my insides. it is almost surreal how much I can tell. but I hope I won't miss it, or what it represented, too much. as I have so much around me to fill me up. so much to keep pulling me up.



I'm am at the point of posting monthly now. Amazing what working full-time away from home can do to your blogging. Writing about work isn't any fun, so it all comes down to weekends. And sometimes weekends are just washing dishes and baking bread. Though lately I've been cooking up tomato sauce too. And in preparation for surgery I'm having in two weeks, I've been baking up pasta and fixing up burritos for the freezer. Somehow it makes me feel less anxious if I know there will be food I made for D. to eat during my recovery.

The garden faded in a lovely way, and it became a home for the rabbits (safe from the coyotes). The aspens turned gold in a week, and now are beginning to lose their leaves. Fall in northern NM means seeing golden patches on the mountains appear and disappear, bushes of chamisa turn bright yellow, the smell of pinon burning, mornings hazy over the valley from woodstove smoke, deer tracks in the yard and truck beds either piled high in wood or showing the tops of antlers, a tell-tale sign of a recent hunt. 

In late September was the Taos Fall Arts Festival, this time including the idea of a friend of ours, incorporating street art & performance. Called The Paseo (for the street it lined) it was a long walk of different street art, from huge mechnical robots and displays to adobe walls lit up in papercut projections. We were lucky enough to get our tintype photo taken by one of the visiting artists. Though it took forever, since the plate had to be exposed and processed one at a time, we love that we held out. 

It also means sunny, warm days and crisp, freezing nights. The pleasantness of the weather here.

A few weekends ago we started out on a drive to see fall colors, with a walk in mind. We drove through little Truchas, where I found some awesome roadside graffiti. But we ended up heading south to Chimayo, to visit El Santuario.  A site of pilgrimage, famous for the healing dirt upon which it is built. It was a spiritual place of healing for the native populations before the Catholic populations began living here & built a chapel. Now the courtyard is covered in altars of rosaries, candles and homemade crosses. And as we visited the simple adobe chapel full of believers. People praying in spanish, and people weeping at the altar. A moving place, you can feel the belief, the hope, the sorrow, the relief and the ancient ways. We brought home a little wooden replica of the chapel, and in it we filled with some of the healing dirt. This is a part of what you do when you live in New Mexico.