new weekends

knowing that as I feel homesick, I must keep myself learning about this, my new home.
visited the farmer's market on saturday. a nice walk from the house which along the way takes me by a valley full of lazy, grazing cows.
bought these plump, tart, mouth-puckering cherries.  they may become some refrigerator jam. or some syrup for gin cocktails.

also bought some just-pink radishes. snap peas. potatoes and even a dozen fresh eggs, all brown & freckled.

then I stopped by the library book sale. even more fun than the market. but I could only buy as much as I could carry on the walk home, along with my carton of eggs & bag full of produce.

but picked up a few local publications from the 1970s. all of which will contain stories and things to learn about my new home.

and I do find some comfort in living "in town" yet hearing roosters crow, cows moo, horses clomping by & occasionally coyotes howl.

and I enjoy watching how the clouds pile up above the mountains. and how the strong warm breezes feel the same as those at home.

today, knowing my heart was full of missing my kansas loves, my boyfriend roused himself out of a lazy Sunday morning, and walked to the Plaza for breakfast and a stop at the bookstore.

when he puts his arm over my shoulders as we walk, I feel within me all my reasons for moving here.

little notes

sometimes the clouds roll over from the mountains and only look like they will rain.
these actually did, in a flash of a flooding downpour.
it was amazing to watch from my large living room window.

being homesick is a powerful thing.
feeling that way while also happy is a bit confusing.
or maybe, comforting.
and the lovely little notes I get in the mail from the 4 & 6 yr-old are pretty awesome too. 

when d. dug up a new flower bed for us this is part of the treasure we found.

though the horseshoe I want up over our door is one I found in kansas on an abandoned farmstead. it is a bit bigger and heavier. and it is, I like to think, kansas-forged. 

saints waiting for a spot in the yard

I feel like a fool for not understanding the spanish I hear around me, every day & every where. I took all the classes. I even got good grades. but it has melted away, much like, I suppose, all the math I took too. time to learn once more.

we are learning our new place. new bugs, new dirt and new people. it is possible the cat is adjusting better than I am. as she has discovered a field of grasshoppers & butterflies in the backyard.

but this is part of adventure. exploring the new means leaving some old behind.

learning to live on new soil

a sunny bedroom window

most of the boxes are gone. and the routine of the day has begun to settle.

 one of the first things we planted, is now blooming. this orange-pink-glowing coneflower.


I can tell I'm away from people I love to see, but at the same time, I'm now getting to see one of those people every morning & night.

our old beat-up floor

as I drove myself to the grocery store (the one that seems remarkably like Dillons, but is called Smiths) I thought, this is what I knew I'd be doing one day. driving myself to the store in Taos. and here I am. living that past, present & future.

yesterday we decided to try and grow green chilies & cilantro too.

and as I watch these plants grow, not knowing what the soil is like, or how the cold nights & warm days will affect them, or even understanding what nutrients they need here or just how much I should be watering them, I'm very aware that I'm learning all of this about myself too.

a walk

took a sunday afternoon walk on the canyoncito trail.
lush & green, runs along next to the rio pueblo, as well as a fence which marks off the pueblo reservation land.

tiny wild strawberries in bloom.

red columbine, an amazing burst of color in the landscape of forest greens & browns.

aspens along the trail.

new outdoors

back porch

the past few days involved loading up a big truck, saying goodbye to a good home, driving nine hours in gusty winds, unloading a big truck, cleaning & unpacking in a new home. they also involved digging new holes, adding good dirt & planting wonderful new plants.

we've planted morning glories to grow up the side of the old chicken coop. also in the ground now are varieties of lavender & salvia which I'd never seen, purple coneflower which I brought from kansas, and some zinnias & snapdragons. I plant things knowing that I'll probably have trial & error in this new landscape of the high desert.

the big back yard

but trial & error is what new chapters & new big steps are all about. we've both been working hard to create this new home for ourselves. and tonight we are planning to enjoy our backyard with some meat & veggies on the grill.

calmer

starting to feel a calm sense & realization of time.
that I just don't have much packing left to worry about.
that my best friend came over yesterday to help "clean" and immediately told me there wasn't actually much to do.
that things are being sorted & given away & finding their places.
that my boyfriend will be here soon to help me on the next part of the journey.
and that turning 40 may not be much of a big deal anyway.

guilt

guilt for not noticing sooner that my Libby was injured.
a bite to the paw, leading to a high fever. and now a wrapped up leg. and daily medicine. and another check up next week.

guilt for not being more sad to be moving away. for being excited to see what moving away means for me.

guilt for leaving my brother & his children.
for putting nine hours between me & my whole family.

guilt for getting rid of things which other people gave me.

guilt for not having time to see everyone.

guilt for wanting to skip all the good-byes anyway.

guilt for my accumulation of stuff.

guilt for all the trash I've created.

guilt for forcing my boyfriend to live with a cat, and for forcing my cat to spend nine hours in a car.

today in the vet's office, as libby lashed out in pain as they tried to clean up her wound. i felt that familiar feeling, that I was about to faint. that I was probably turning green. and I needed to sit down, and just breathe. it is all beginning to hit me now. the whirlwind tornado of emotions.

and I know everything I'm feeling is okay.

and I'm just reminding myself that with every step & worry I just need to remember to breathe.

every sha-la-la-la

my two favorite visitors came over yesterday.
with happy meals & toys in hand, and some stories to tell.
after a walk around the neighborhood, and some porch swing time, it was time to play records.
the six-yr old requested some "lullabies"
and the closest thing I could find was my Carpenters album.
and then my two favorite visitors did some dancing in the sun room.

and I've had "every sha-la-la-la" in my head all morning long.

may day limbo

people who know me well, know well that I do poorly with uncertainty & limbo in my life. I prefer deadlines, time frames and clearly defined expectations.

and though in the past years I've worked hard at allowing myself to just accept that all is uncertain and stressing out about what can't be controlled is fairly useless...but it is a definite reason why I rarely move, and I've never moved away from Kansas.

having my house for sale, planning to move. these are things that are challenging for me, but I know I will feel like a stronger person for doing them. in the meantime, my stomach is generally nauseous and my dreams are restless. and my house is clean.

those that know also understand that in times of great anxiety, I clean & I organize. my house is so very pretty right now.

and though having to leave my home so that complete strangers can walk through it is not something I can get used to. I do like having a reason to cut flowers to decorate my house.

a concrete step

over the years, the corner of my porch steps crumbled away. it got bigger & bigger, and eventually the railing had nothing to bolt onto...and just hung there in thin air.
it bugged me. all of the time. it seemed disgraceful. like it reflected my ability to care for my home. but I figured someone else would have to fix it for me. cause, it was concrete...

and I asked the men in my life, how do we fix it? I was told it would be pretty easy, it would be a small job, probably too small to hire someone to do, a form would have to be built, maybe drill in some rebar, pour the concrete, re-attach the railing. I didn't believe it would be easy enough for me to do without their help.

and I kept getting stuck at "build a form"?

it finally hit me. I was the person who had to fix it. and waiting for someone to have the time to help me was no longer working.

and so I did.

 figured out how to build the form. figured out what tools I'd need. figured out the process.
and it isn't the prettiest.
but it is done. and I think mostly successful.

and it reminds me of all the things I've learned to do & had to do by myself.
get a mortgage.
buy a house.
find a plumber, a heating specialist, an electrician, a chimney sweep.
strip wallpaper.
patch plaster walls.
patch plaster ceilings.
paint all the walls. a few different times.
re-caulk a bathtub.
re-caulk the floor tile.
pay that mortgage each month.

they may seem like little things. but each one was a challenge for me. and I suppose I need to start recognizing that I did them, and I did them well.

I own buckets of tools now that I never thought I would know how to use.

and I'm almost 40 years old. so I'm glad I know I can do this by myself. & I wish I could go back & tell my 20-yr old self that I'd be okay when on my own.
though frankly I'm also so very happy that I'll soon be sharing my challenges with a partner at my side. since damn, I'm almost 40 years old.

and oh, after finishing the step. and starting to clean up & put things away, libby took it upon herself to try out the new step. so all this self-affirmation aside, my favorite part of all of this, libby's paw im-print that greets me when I come home.

waterfall, tornadoes & some snow

with a few afternoon hours left we took a drive up el salto road. the plan was to take a little walk up to a waterfall that occurs only in the Spring.

a smell of pine trees, wet leaves & cool air. and then, from over the top of a large mountain cave, the water falling.

drove back knowing it was near time to check the radar. worried about all the storms predicted to hit my kansas home. as we drove into town, it started to snow.
& all I could really think about were the dark stormy clouds that may be rolling over harvey county.

got home & after watching the weather. and holding our breath. and then calling home. and then exhaling. we went outside to enjoy the snow before dark.

and I realized that moving from home doesn't mean I'll ever stop worrying about tornadoes. and thank goodness my kansas-raised boyfriend can understand.

big & little things

the gorge in which flows the Rio Grande. you drive along flat desert & then there it is, this amazing natural split in the earth.

getting struck down by a cold that makes it hard to breathe or get out of bed. and having someone right near by to keep making you hot tea and do all the dishes.

and continuing to find that no matter what I take with me, or what I leave behind, my home is in two places now. (though I really think wind chimes help make a home comfortable & relaxing, so i'll be working with my new mexican on that one.)

easter morning in taos

first the easter egg hunt, for the 6-yr old who is visiting.

and soon a walk along the Rio Grande Gorge, since we think enjoying an incredible view of natural may be a proper way to celebrate the morning.

yard sale

yard sale.
a month of collecting things to sell, a morning in which they are all sold.

surprisingly easy to see so many things which have been a part of my home for years, just leave in other people's hands. I guess I'm learning to separate the important from the just-like-a-lot.
and, fortunately, some of the things left in the hands of friends. 

and at the end of the day, it was just one load of stuff to goodwill.
...which is the place where I'd actually bought some of the stuff.

the more I'm getting closer to moving my stuff from this house to a house in new mexico, the more I'm surprised that I'm not more anxious than I am.

it was a good saturday. and I couldn't have done it without my two friends who sold, organized, laughed and drank cocktails right along with me. 

...noticed this morning that the faded petals of my tulips have all blown away, but the spirea is starting to bloom its fluffy white flowers.

spring weekend

the wheat & the sky.

the barn which stubbornly still stands.

some of my tulips. i'd forgotten all the colors which i'd planted.

peaceful & warm sunday afternoon sunshine.

the now four-year old

turning four meant a cinderella carriage, new dresses, handmade aprons & bags, a blanket for your baby dolls, sparkly markers & glitter everywhere. and a lot of other things. all opened in an excited frenzy from a long day of anticipation.

it also meant being able to sit on the table to blow out candles & cut your own cake.

my daffodils are starting to bloom.
my windows are open to the warm air & sounds of a lawn mower.
I wore flip-flops all day.
all very nice, except it is St. Patrick's Day, and it should still be colder.
not complaining,  just a little worried about what it all means for the upcoming summer.

and the kitten has found a new favorite spot for her lazy moments.

yep, there's a picture of my cute cat.

last year I was sitting in an "Irish" pub in Berlin, ordering Jamison in German. well, I wasn't actually the one doing the ordering,  just some of the drinking.

berlin last year

a year ago I'd landed in Berlin. getting ready to do & see so many new things. while not understanding any of the languages I heard around me.

thankfully I had a boyfriend, and two good friends (& their three children) to navigate it all with me.
it was a good trip.

in the midst

in the midst of signs of spring & preparing for changes ahead.
keep reminding myself to pause.
breathe.

once I begin a project, I'm always focused on getting it done as soon as I can.
sometimes causing anxiety & rushing.
over the past few years I've learned to calmly remind myself, I can't control the outcome. I can only do my best in the moment.

and pause to enjoy the green tips of daffodils & tulips popping out of the ground. and the sunshine that pours into my kitchen in the morning.