new outdoors

back porch

the past few days involved loading up a big truck, saying goodbye to a good home, driving nine hours in gusty winds, unloading a big truck, cleaning & unpacking in a new home. they also involved digging new holes, adding good dirt & planting wonderful new plants.

we've planted morning glories to grow up the side of the old chicken coop. also in the ground now are varieties of lavender & salvia which I'd never seen, purple coneflower which I brought from kansas, and some zinnias & snapdragons. I plant things knowing that I'll probably have trial & error in this new landscape of the high desert.

the big back yard

but trial & error is what new chapters & new big steps are all about. we've both been working hard to create this new home for ourselves. and tonight we are planning to enjoy our backyard with some meat & veggies on the grill.

calmer

starting to feel a calm sense & realization of time.
that I just don't have much packing left to worry about.
that my best friend came over yesterday to help "clean" and immediately told me there wasn't actually much to do.
that things are being sorted & given away & finding their places.
that my boyfriend will be here soon to help me on the next part of the journey.
and that turning 40 may not be much of a big deal anyway.

guilt

guilt for not noticing sooner that my Libby was injured.
a bite to the paw, leading to a high fever. and now a wrapped up leg. and daily medicine. and another check up next week.

guilt for not being more sad to be moving away. for being excited to see what moving away means for me.

guilt for leaving my brother & his children.
for putting nine hours between me & my whole family.

guilt for getting rid of things which other people gave me.

guilt for not having time to see everyone.

guilt for wanting to skip all the good-byes anyway.

guilt for my accumulation of stuff.

guilt for all the trash I've created.

guilt for forcing my boyfriend to live with a cat, and for forcing my cat to spend nine hours in a car.

today in the vet's office, as libby lashed out in pain as they tried to clean up her wound. i felt that familiar feeling, that I was about to faint. that I was probably turning green. and I needed to sit down, and just breathe. it is all beginning to hit me now. the whirlwind tornado of emotions.

and I know everything I'm feeling is okay.

and I'm just reminding myself that with every step & worry I just need to remember to breathe.

every sha-la-la-la

my two favorite visitors came over yesterday.
with happy meals & toys in hand, and some stories to tell.
after a walk around the neighborhood, and some porch swing time, it was time to play records.
the six-yr old requested some "lullabies"
and the closest thing I could find was my Carpenters album.
and then my two favorite visitors did some dancing in the sun room.

and I've had "every sha-la-la-la" in my head all morning long.

may day limbo

people who know me well, know well that I do poorly with uncertainty & limbo in my life. I prefer deadlines, time frames and clearly defined expectations.

and though in the past years I've worked hard at allowing myself to just accept that all is uncertain and stressing out about what can't be controlled is fairly useless...but it is a definite reason why I rarely move, and I've never moved away from Kansas.

having my house for sale, planning to move. these are things that are challenging for me, but I know I will feel like a stronger person for doing them. in the meantime, my stomach is generally nauseous and my dreams are restless. and my house is clean.

those that know also understand that in times of great anxiety, I clean & I organize. my house is so very pretty right now.

and though having to leave my home so that complete strangers can walk through it is not something I can get used to. I do like having a reason to cut flowers to decorate my house.